This time the leap of faith took me on a deep dive into being honest about what I want for myself.

Let’s rewind.

A few months ago, I got the job of my dreams. I wanted this so badly, I mentioned to my family that I would have taken a smaller salary offer to get this job. Luckily for me, they wanted me as much as I wanted them.

This job was exactly what I wanted to do when I left my teaching career last year. I studied a course in Digital Marketing so I would have the accreditation behind the experience I already had. It paid off when I applied for this digital marketing manager position.

I got the job!

I’ve never walked into a company that made me feel more at home than this one did. Everyone was genuinely happy to be there. The environment was warm, welcoming, fun and encouraging. My line manager was incredible to work with, she blew my mind with her out of the box thinking all the time. Things that the average person wouldn’t think of, she questioned with such sound logic and skill. My team was incredible, they were hungry to learn, just like I was and they felt like family.

The job itself was great, challenging at times but it allowed me to show off my skill set, from teaching, to photography and content creation. Sometimes it felt a little surreal to be in a position that had nothing toxic about it.

But then why did I leave?

Turns out, I am the problem.

Let me explain.

After my interview and hearing what the job entailed, I felt a little uneasy, I wasn’t sure why but something was making me think twice. I was embarrassed about how I was feeling after telling those close to me just how much I wanted this. Deciding to ignored it, I told myself if I don’t get the job, that’s what that feeling was.

After getting the mail to say I got the job, I was excited, leaving me thinking that off feeling was an imposer syndrome rearing its head.

I was wrong. That feeling never went away.

No matter how amazing the job, the company or the people were. I couldn’t get rid of the feeling that this really wasn’t for me.

How could I be feeling this way after wanting and working towards this. It didn’t make any sense. Slowly but surely little things popped up and made me feel uneasy. Things such as mom guilt for being exhausted every day when I got home and everything that comes with that, or simple things like not getting to have my lashes done. It is such a tiny thing but it took me to a space where I felt uneasy about the pattern I was falling into. It took some serious deep diving and conversations with trustworthy friends to help me figure out why I was feeling this way. I’ve had to be brave and honest with myself.

It was one of the hardest decisions to trust myself the first time. This time, with many of the boxes ticked, it was double, if not triple, as hard. I took a deep breathe, cried a lot and decided that I want to live for me. The fear of embarrassment could not be enough to keep me stuck in something I simply did not want. No matter how good I am, no matter how much people wanted me to stay. I needed to do what was right for me.

What now?

So here we are, day one of going back to the drawing board. I’m grateful that I’ve worked hard to build a space that I am able to do this. There’s a plan and I’ve got a better idea of where I want to go now. This would never have been something I knew if I wasn’t given the opportunity to work in PR and in Digital Marketing. I am incredibly grateful for how much I’ve learnt from both these institutions and having the opportunity to share all of that knowledge with those I worked with.

If there’s one thing I can leave you with, it’s to trust yourself and your intentions. It’s crazy how the world will align when you are willing to set a goal and work towards it. Today I had a meeting about a possible job in what I’ve considered my next move to be. I left a great job with only the intention to pursue what I love, already the doors are opening. I know it will be hard, I know I will have to work my ass off to make sure each month I’m able to meet my financial obligation to my family. I’m willing to give it a go.

Here we go again! Thank you for rooting for me.